stripethree

It’s the end of the year, time to be super retrospective and set some ‘resolutions’ right?

Eh.

Although there were moments and instances were it seemed like time was standing still and would never resume its progress, the year as a whole blew by. Maybe it was all the change, all the, well, insanity. Four addresses, three cities, and two thousand something miles later I’ve already been over the good, the bad, and the ugly of this year with friends and family, so why do it again. It won’t serve any purpose, there will be nothing more to pull out of it that hasn’t already been yanked out. The closure has already been archived, the chapters written and read.

So, as far as resolutions? I think they are usually bunk. In the same way I think Valentine’s Day is a big sham, so do I think of New Years and it’s resolutions. Do I really need a specific day to do something nice for my someone special? No. Do I really think that overnight I’ll magically change something I’ve wanted to change and have it stick? No. Other than the month, day, and year on the calendar we’ll wake up and probably be the same people we are today, except with the possible addition of a significant hangover.

However, in the same way that I would never think of letting my significant other go empty handed on Valentine’s Day, I do have some things in mind for the new year, goals, if you would. Most revolve around lessening my financial debt. These goals were set months prior to this writing, mind you, but now that I am not facing moving again for a while, expensive plane tickets to fly back across the country, or all the credit card swiping that comes with the holidays, I can put some things in motion.

The biggest thing, as recreational and unnecessary as it was to do in the first place, is that I’m giving up track events this year. Figuring out that one weekend event at any one of tracks I’d like to go to costs almost as much as it does for me to autocross for an entire year made the decision easier. The Laguna Seca dream will happen, and it will happen in the R, but not in 2008. Reno, Infineon, they will have to wait. Thus, I also won’t spend hundreds of dollars on tires and brake pads, as what I have now will last through another year worth of autocross abuse. Yes, I will be autocrossing, and yes, as much or more than I did in 2007. What exactly will be the benefit of sacrificing track time? I’ll own the R outright by mid year. No more car payments after June. Yes, it will take more on a monthly basis than just the regular payment amount, so this isn’t some ‘oh, well, I just have to keep doing what I’m doing’ deal. Otherwise I’d still go to the track. Secondly, after that, Sallie Mae (grad school loans), I want them gone by the end of the year. This depends a lot on sticking to the first goal with the car, since the money freed up every month will enable throwing more to Sallie Mae and that figuring out the realistic goal of the end of 2008 factors in that extra money. There are other things besides track events that I plan to curb here and there but there’s no need to go into boring detail. Putting the big things down ‘on paper’ will keep me focused on accomplishing them and the smaller ones will fall in line.

So there it is, there’s my ‘resolution’, if you can call it that. Happy New Year.

Yeah, I know, back to back. I had to make some separation.

It has not shown, at least, I do not think so, but a nasty bout of impatience has been rearing its ugly head lately. I have caught myself in a number of situations with just a general lack of patience for things, and coming dangerously close to overreacting on it. I have just been getting flat out irritated and tired of people and things; in some cases very much merited, in many others, I am making a bigger deal out of it than I should. At least I have not reacted, per say, as I once would, but this is still something I thought I was over. I am back in the part of the cycle where I feel like I’m waiting on many, many things, but I can’t place my finger on what. Maybe it’s because lately I have been ‘planning’ too much for my own good. Figuring out when I can finish grad school, if and when I can buy a house, and a host of other things that are at least another calendar year off and require things like saving money, which I have proven to be not so good at. Maybe some of that is that I need to set some goals again. I know, it sounds cheesy, like the New Year’s gym resolution that lasts two months (if you’re lucky) but it worked when I was in school. Last year at Maryland I knew exactly what I wanted and how I would get it, the goals weren’t huge: graduate, get a job, get an apartment, get my Volkswagen; they were within reach but not going to achieve themselves. They all happened last year, in August, January, August, and April respectively. I thought on many occasions since then, hey, I got those handled, I should set some new goals, keep myself motivated, etc. etc. but I never did. Whether it is a direct result of that or not, I have caught myself in an rut of non-motivation. I took the semester off from class, I have been lazy on some other projects, and I have not been as dedicated at work as I was at this time last year. I just haven’t had that same feeling of going in everyday and having a certain, high level of motivation. I get home and the things that interest me the most are not interesting me enough to put the effort I know I could into them. Take my efforts at shooting film for example, maybe the disappointment of realizing how out of practice I am will get me off my ass. Maybe the prospect of making some extra cash through freelance will get me up, off, and running.

I digress. Impatience. I’m thinking too much about what’s ahead. I should set those goals, make them realistic but challenging and then stop worrying so much. Let things come as they will just a little bit more and find a way to relax. On the other hand, I have to find a better way to deal with the things out of my control, the things that annoy me but I should just let go. Its been pointed out to me lately, and those pointing it out were absolutely right, I’m slipping into letting minor things bother me again. Shouldn’t happen, don’t want to go back to having my life be like that, but really, I don’t think it’s anything like it was. Isn’t it ironic that someone who seems (and I think for the most part) is pretty laid back, can be wound up like this on the inside? I swear I’m not crazy.